After the Iliad, the Odyssey is inevitable-

" After the Iliad, the Odyssey is inevitable" Nic Kelman

I tell you people the Nic Kelman book that I am reading is an eye opener- a sad insight into the male libido- my god men are really screwed! For some reason I always suspected it, so I am not too gutted but I am sure there are some frail women out there that died a little inside ,after reading it. I think myself and Faraz (my worthy side-kick – ha ha he will not be pleased) will be quoting from this book for a very long time.

Today I have seen a property that may well fit into my dysfunctional world in a way that makes perfect sense. Though most people may deem this a really really stupid idea- I for some reason feel it makes perfect sense….. Buying a houseboat! There is one for sale in Islington and though it’s small I think it may be worth every penny! Have a look: http://www.foxtons.co.uk/search?md5=6405049ce912d4f8b1879d1e734a5bb3&search_form=map&search_type=SS&inst_ref=ir_isln000270413&submit_type=search
What do you think? Should I go for it?

Anything can become interesting if you look at it long enough

Flaubert is known to have said “anything can become interesting if you look at it long enough”. Flaubert must have been an extremely bored man….I have been staring at my job long and hard for 2 years and still fail to see the humour in it. I have resorted to setting up a competition amongst my colleagues called “pimp my media plan” which entails an exceptionally mundane media plan and the frustrated creativity of a bunch of twenty something’s (yes I still call myself a twenty- something and will until December 2, 2006!).

The mind numbing repetitiveness of my job lately (it used to be mildly fun) has given me plenty of time to think and read and I have come upon a gem of a book called “Girls” by Nic Kelman. A passage really struck me and I will share it with you:

“If you are lucky it was when you were young. If you were lucky you saw your parents divorced. If you were lucky you saw your teenage girlfriend die in a car crash. If you were lucky you saw your younger sister loose the use of her legs because your family could not afford the right health care.
If you are unlucky, it happens when you are older. If you are unlucky, you will see your son lose a place at the college of his choice to the son of a man richer than you, rich enough to donate some new lab equipment. If you are unlucky, your wife of thirty-seven years will develop bipolar disorder and have to be hospitalised after you come home from work and find she has opened her wrists with an electric meat carver. If you are unlucky you will lose your job after twenty-two years of service and will be too old to find another.

If you are unlucky you will realise too late that the way you thought the world worked was just an illusion. If you are unlucky you will become afraid too late.”

Now, I do not share his view on the need to be afraid, I actually feel that if you see reality for what it is fear necessarily vanishes and you can consciously choose hope, regardless of the amount of times you knowingly set yourself up for disaster.

What rung true in this passage was the idea that we always seem to mull over our negative childhood experiences, we give them so much importance as if that first decade was an abstract of the life to come- your executive summary. And we are so busy screaming our own pain that it drowns out all the rest that is going on around us. We become so busy worrying about not turning into our parents or hating our past that we forget to live our present and become the people we really are.

I had a brilliant childhood for most part. Then an event shattered our family life for a while, and picking up the pieces was so hard at the time that I hardly remember two years of my life, yet I do feel I was lucky because it did happen when I was young. I imagine it becomes part of our history and eventually our pre-history, which in adulthood we leave to create a new story with new people and new places. As adults though, we are stuck where we are in that time and in that space and it become harder and harder to leave things behind

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE- QUICK!

I am going stir crazy today. I have woken up realising I don't GIVE A FLYING FUCK about most things. God life should be more than this, if this is it I feel massively cheated and would like to have a word with the manager- possibly get my money back and spend it on something else, like liquorice or a life size rubrics cube. I need to do something new and different so here I open the floor to you my little pocket people- this is your chance to play god. What should I do to make my life mildly more interesting? You suggest and then we are going to choose the best and have a final vote. Photography course, volunteering, changing jobs? you name it.......

One more thought: In view of my recent disastrous romantic adventure I have clearly spotted a design flaw in humans and human relationships. Basically, nature is meant to be efficient, yet 70% (at least) of love is un- reciprocated! This means that millions of humans are wasting time and energy moping over lost love instead of employing that time in a more practical manner. Look at the amount of songs, paintings, poems and other stuff which has been done my disgruntled lovers! All energy that could have gone into ending world poverty, curing cancer and improving the state of humanity! For this reason I have come up with TOP 5 Ways to make relationships easier:

1. COURTSHIP DANCE: much like in the animal kingdom- when a man sees a woman he likes (or a man- let's be pc) he will do an elaborate courtship dance to which she can respond or not. Nice and simple- no chit chat, no mind games and no head fucks. I can picture it ... white van man- stopping over at a traffic light and instead of whistling he hops off and starts flapping his arms and stamping his feet exhibiting is beer belly by shaking it in the air. Bliss...

2.THE HUNT: as in the cave men times in order for girls to get boys they have to physically catch them. One the boy is caught he is hers forever. Just imagine herds of boys running free with pin stripe suited female bankers chasing them. The girls would eventually organize themselves in hunting packs, or even devise traps! A hole in the ground covered in grass with a cold beer and porn on it to attract the naive victim. I can just picture the boys carefully leaving buildings in groups to distract the hungry hunters. And think of the spin off benefits- people would be much fitter!

3. CALLING IT: this is a bit of a lazy option- but simple is usually good, and this is as simple as it sounds. You see a person you like you call it- the person is yours. The only catch is you need ti be sure because you can only call it once! Imagine the anticipation not knowing if you should wait and see if something better comes by or if you should call it because someone else may.

4. THE NUMBER: at birth you are all assigned a number and you just need to find the person with the matching number. Only 2 of the same number in the world. So you will need to use all your brain to find the person. It would be brilliant- imagine all people going on these massively romantic search adventures to find your "the one". The epic journeys would increase your desire for the person- unless they live next door obviously.

5. PHRORMONES- it's a bit of a variation on the calling it- I must admit but basically the minute you fall in love with someone you release these phereormones which lock on to the receptors on the object of your love (or obsession in my case) and they automatically fall for you! Genius! This is how it's suppose to work (this is in case God/the matrix reads this blog).

Finally, back to the purpose of this blog: WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT.... make it viable VOTE NOW!!!!!!

you can run but you can't hide

I feel it has found me and now it’s hunting me down, its panting getting closed, the thud of its paws getting louder and though I am still not there yet- decision time is coming up. I am getting rather bored with my job, my hair, my life and even with the breakfast I eat every morning. You see this is what I tend to do I change everything, to the extent of moving country, every few years and then I fall into a pattern which I stick to for a while and then need to change again- the cycle begins.

Every time I crave change the words “a life less ordinary” keep on bouncing around in my head. I start thinking of volunteering, of getting a flash car, of going away for a year to some remote country and so on. It’s like an itch you feel in your belly, which keeps at it, you can’t eat and you find it hard to focus. All you can hear is “a life less ordinary, a life less ordinary”.

I have learned, after numerous colossal fuck ups, to keep this jitteriness under control without the aide of massive doses of narcotics and tranquilizers, but I have also come to accept that I can not ignore it. Basically, I do not get up hand in my resignation and think of a plan later, but I feel I need to turn around a “get out plan” very quickly or risk going blue in the face and exploding into a comet of fire and bad words.

In the end of the day life has to be lived and we should strive to experience as much of it as possible- do as many different things as you can and squeeze in as much as humanly attainable in every minute of your day. Don’t sit home and watch TV, don’t sit in a bar complaining that nothing ever happens to you, and by god don’t turn down an offer or an invitation to something new.

Life is now calling me and telling me that I am too set in my ways. My morning porridge does not taste as good as it used to, nor does my new futon feel as comfy- time to turn myself around and live a new life for a while. As Picasso said, or should have said, I am 1000 men (in my case women).

Have your say....

Following 30 years of bad decisions, stupid choices and poor judgment calls I have decided I am not equipped with the necessary maturity, logic and foresight to make my own decisions.

I hereby revoke my own privilege of making any important decisions with regards to my future and well-being. I hand over this privilege to you, the masses. Trusting that though some form of democratic voting you will be able to decide for me. This will finally allow me to become a functioning member of the mass, who does not base his/her life changing choices on fickle events, passing moods and sheer hormones.

I guarantee I will consult you on each and every life changing decision I am to take. I also guarantee I will consider all suggestions which are given to me. I finally guarantee I will go with the will of the majority (with the obvious exceptions).

This is how it will work: each time I am presented with a decision I will post it on the blog, I will then accept suggestions which will be narrowed to a few options. At this point I will post the options and ask you to vote. Once the voting is over I will count up and do as you tell me… simple, no. It’s like the Sims but for real!

HELP ME FROM MYSELF